The Four Agreements
The Fight for True Freedom Must Continue
Modern people believe in having a much better life than their ancestors. There is an excess of food to feed us, all sorts of transport to take us where we need to go, and access to unimaginable information. We are as free as the birds the ancient people envied. But are we? Could we have lost the true meaning of freedom in exchange for acceptance?
Today, we live by social expectations, slowly drifting away from our unique voices. These expectations can manifest in various ways, from the pressure to conform to a certain body image to the need to pursue a specific career path. When the rat race compounds, it affects our mental and physical well-being. We start to abuse ourselves and the people around us verbally, prioritize others’ opinions over ours and live to reach another milestone that has nothing to do with our dreams. We don’t live better than our ancestors. We live miserably and in complete discordance with our inner world.
Thankfully, our predecessors did not silence their inner voices. Instead, they distilled their wisdom into a spiritual practice that we, the lost children of modernity, can use to restore our inner balance. This practice serves as a reality check, anchoring us in the present and heightening our self-awareness of our thoughts and actions.
In this summary, you will learn about Don Miguel Ruiz, a spiritual practitioner who rose to fame by exploring the culture of the Toltec civilization that existed long before Columbus set foot on its land. Using his best words, Ruiz shares the wisdom of this ancient Mexican culture with everyone who feels miserable and unfulfilled. He treats knowledge with respect, encouraging us to see beyond the words and into our souls. If we look carefully, we’ll find the freedom we’ve been searching for. This emphasis on the journey over perfection can be a source of relief and inspiration, reminding us that it’s okay to make mistakes and that growth is a continuous process.
“Every sacred piece of knowledge is your soul trying to reach your heart.”— Don Miguel Ruiz.
The First Agreement: Mind Your Words
We often underestimate the surprising influence of words on events and people in our lives. Their ethereal nature fools us into believing they’re harmless. But Ruiz disagrees with this popular opinion. For him, words have the power to create and manifest. After all, articulation requires effort, so words are discharged energy. Our intentions and thoughts are the input that shapes the final result, the spoken word. Combine everything, and we turn out to be potential masters of manifestation. Our responsibility as intelligent beings is to use the gift of speech wisely.
Indeed, humans are the only species that have such distinguished communication. We can use words to affect and lead the masses; take Winston Churchill or a more recent example, Volodymyr Zelensky. Both leaders are unique in how they console and inspire thousands of people in the face of evil. But there was also Adolf Hitler, whose messages legitimized the genocide of millions of Jews and other ethnic groups. What’s the meaning of these examples? Just like words can bring happiness and hope, they can cause suffering. This truth leads us to the first agreement: be careful with what we say to the world.
“Vigilance can negate or reinforce the meaning of words.”—Don Miguel Ruiz.
Ruiz compares our minds to fertile soil ready for seeds of ideas and opinions. The trouble is the earth feeds all seeds equally, including flowers and weeds. Our thoughts about ourselves and others shape how we see the world; ironically, our psyche is highly susceptible to negative feedback.
This tendency stems from our childhood when our parents were the primary source of our self-image. For example, those who assume they can’t sing or speak publicly usually believe it because their parents said so. Put differently, we adjust our vision of ourselves to fit the negative feedback as truth. For Ruiz, contradicting your genuine personality or interests is the biggest sin. God doesn’t make mistakes. This underscores the power of self-acceptance and the importance of embracing our true selves, empowering us to live authentically and confidently.
“Sin begins with rejection of yourself.”—Don Miguel Ruiz.
Compassionate self-talk is the first step to being a better person. As long as we don’t judge and blame ourselves for whatever failure, we start treating others with more empathy. Eventually, we spread less hostile rhetoric and adopt more optimistic energy instead.
The second agreement: Commit to caring less
The following agreement stems from mindful speaking as a way to exchange insights. What is meant by that are statements of approval or criticism.
“You look bigger since I saw you last,” “This band thing of yours won’t bring food to the table,” and negative comments often settle deep in our minds. Unless you know how to deal with unwelcome opinions, you might remember your father’s words about that preschool picture you painted. It’s also possible you’ve never touched a brush ever since, despite that genuine tingle of joy. More often than not, we take others’ comments too much to heart, sabotaging our efforts and dreams.
Ironically, we barely look on the flip side. Criticism often hides the self-consciousness and weakness of those who make such comments. However, by taking their words personally, we assume them to be true. Not only that, but we let the other person believe they have a right to impose their views on us.
Another terrible disadvantage of taking things close to heart is depriving ourselves of things we could try but quit after critique. Not only do we reject a more vibrant life, but we also grow defensive of any choice we make. So the next time someone makes an unrequested comment, we immediately justify our actions. The truth is, by defending things we love, we do so to our whole personality. We are the sum of our hobbies, interests, and ideas; we must not explain why we’re alive or do what we love. We’re precious just for being us.
Of course, people experience personal crises more often than they’d like to, which is not shameful. However, when they start playing the victim position to criticize us, it’s not our job to make them feel better.
“People hate parts of themselves, hoping someone else will love them.”— Don Miguel Ruiz.
Truth be told, the reason people criticize is the fear of exposure. Society welcomes perfection, so they dread someone seeing they’re far from it. By poking at others’ difficulties, many try to conceal their imperfections. However, try to discard negative comments, and your envy or jealousy will disappear. Let the pain and shame go away with those who impose them.
Did you happen to know? According to Zippia, 77% of US employees experienced burnout in the past year, and 40% quit their jobs because of it.
The third agreement: Conduct a reality check on yourself
Delusion has always fascinated me. For the longest time, we’ve dedicated love songs or heartbreaking text messages to the objects of our desire. The punchline is that it’s all in our heads. We crave the sweetness of love, yet we dread its bitterness. So, instead of bracing ourselves and making the first move, we retreat to the comfort of our fantasy. Still, even the sweetest dream doesn’t taste good without a drip of drama.
For some reason, suffering is people’s guilty pleasure. At first, we giggle at the idea of our crush falling in love with us. But when the fantasy does not match reality—the person we like starts dating someone else—we redirect our energy to blaming them for destroying our pipe dream. We become the victims of our assumptions by believing the fantasy we created instead of addressing the issue with the person. Put differently, we stay in the safety of our imagination, anxious to confess our feelings.
Let’s take a look at another dating scenario. Popular culture has spoiled us into believing that couples must understand each other without words. If our partner can’t guess what’s tormenting us, we may react angrily or with frustration. Our blown-up assumptions of actual love mess with the relationships in our lives, not to mention our psyche.
A conversation may be a proper tool for handling conflicts within relationships. However, we can misuse it by making false assumptions if the answer doesn’t satisfy us. We’ve also agreed that asking directly is a weakness because we’d need to compromise or change our attitude. Not everyone is ready to pay the price of healthy relationships.
Such egoism can’t ruin relationships without hurting the person first. Our self-esteem is a compilation of assumptions we make about ourselves, which are usually bad. The latter is why we fear showing our authentic selves to people.
“We can’t give endless love without learning to produce it through self-love.”— Don Miguel Ruiz.
One of the most dangerous assumptions we allow ourselves to have is “I can change them.” Refocusing our ability to love ourselves on someone else comes from anxiety about our flaws.
“If we try to change them, this means we don’t really like them.”—Don Miguel Ruiz.
In sum, we don’t have the expertise or the right to change someone without first trying to improve ourselves.
The fourth agreement: Life is not found in the parties; it resides in the preparation
Perfectionism is a real problem in our society. Programmed to show only highlights of our lives, we pay no heed to what validates the achievement. What’s worse, we forget what it takes to reach the goal.
There’s no way you haven’t heard, “The journey is more important than the destination.” But have you ever contemplated its meaning? It’s valid to say we’re too busy with our work and basic survival to spoil ourselves with philosophy. Or maybe we should stop and admit we’ve wasted so much time on the wrong job.
Imposed perfectionism steals our motivation to try what we want. Instead, it settles the fear of failure, precisely what our boss made us dread. But perfection is unnatural; nothing is impeccable on the first try. Animals must constantly evolve to a new climate; toddlers never learn a language in a month; we don’t have to be perfect to be valuable. What makes us precious, however, is showing up every single time.
How would you interpret the words “do your best?” You’ll most likely imagine a high, stable bar that never drops. After all, perfection is a constant. And while the latter is true, your best is not synonymous with an idea simply because it’s yours. Perfection is unflexible, but your best is for you to own.
It’s impossible to hit the same bar every day. We’re full of carpe diem energy today, but our primary battle might be getting out of bed tomorrow. Refusing to listen to our physical and mental needs will never help us reach our goals. Quite the opposite: it will villainize our dreams, transforming them into a version of life we may never have.
“Nature didn’t evolve to surprise anyone; it did so for its own sake.”— Don Miguel Ruiz.
Society taught us to impress, or our achievements would not matter. But the only person we must impress to improve truly is ourselves. How exciting is it to nail that drumming lesson despite wanting to cancel at the last minute? Not only did we not expect to excel, but we didn’t think we’d show up at all!
Avoiding a failure today means you’ll only fail tomorrow. Brace up, make that mistake, and praise yourself for not ducking. Come back tomorrow, do it less badly, and acknowledge your effort. Perfection isn’t absolute, but your dreams are.
Freedom is an essential skill
Finally, we learned four doctrinal agreements for a better life. But what is the bigger picture? The answer is simultaneously sentimental and essential — freedom.
“Modern society lives in the illusion of free choice, yet its structure denies autonomy.”— Don Miguel Ruiz.
We call ourselves free, but we dread our CVs being insufficient. The simple question: “Who do you want to be when you grow up?” already programs children to accept future responsibility. But children are immune to the rules of civilized society because they can’t grasp them yet. They live in the present and thus can’t regret the past or fear the future.
Adults, on the other hand, have obeyed societal expectations. We have lived long enough to catch shame for our mistakes and responsibilities that drag us away from things we want to experience. It becomes common to blame our jobs, spouses, or parents for the faded dreams. But self-pity rarely brings us anywhere worthy, like depression and low self-esteem. The Victim mentality is convenient but ineffective. Let’s be truthful: our parents knew no better when raising us. They replicated the model their parents used, and we will likely do the same with our children. They’re traumatized by societal rules, just like we are.
Our job doesn’t define us unless we limit our personality to the job description. We always choose to try new hobbies, meet new people, or travel more. But we pass the blame for our fears on someone else to avoid the truth — our life is in our hands. This idea is stressful but also liberating. Luckily, there are three spiritual practices to try, even if you’re skeptical:
1. Facing your fears.
2. Starving the negative assumptions.
3. Living one day at a time.
Attacking our fears head-on is the most extended but most organic solution. First, you become aware of the problem; you can’t heal the wound if you don’t know it’s there. Then, please do what you dread to diminish its power over you. Repeat until it affects you no more.
The second strategy is controlling our emotions and behavior. Our energy is limited, so we can’t spend it on hate or self-victimizing. Forgive those who hurt you, and redirect your energy toward maintaining the four agreements. Lastly, we never know when our last day will come; therefore, we must live each day unapologetically.
Conclusion
What can be more deceptive than freedom? What does it mean to be free? And are you free if one thing is missing? What we know for sure is that no one around us is truly free, including ourselves.
Since we were kids, society has brought us up to its standards, just like it did with our parents and their parents. Times and tendencies may change, but human nature never does. Like thousands of years ago, our species aims to express itself with every unit it has. We are those units, yet we lose the knowledge of freedom the more civilized we become. Social media, the deceitful tendency to overshare, and the illusion of immediate success erase what it means to be private, thus free and authentic. What we say, do, react, and give out define our limits of personal freedom. We’re the only ones who can control all four abilities; thus, we’re responsible for ourselves. Our happiness must be our priority until our last breath.
Unfortunately, we misinterpret happiness as the final goal when, in reality, it’s a process. Learning to be free is the essential step toward inner prosperity. Taking a small step toward our better selves will bring more satisfaction than trying to impress the world with an Instagram post. But keep in mind that our words and actions are resources we must invest wisely to maintain the balance between altruism and egoism. After all, people can’t live without people, even when they can’t stand them.
Try this
1. Commit to daily meditation:
Set aside a specific time each day to practice meditation, allowing yourself to connect deeply with your thoughts and emotions. This practice encourages you to sit in silence, free from distractions, and confront your inner self without the influence of external social interactions. You might start with just a few minutes each day, gradually increasing the duration as you become more comfortable. This time of quiet reflection can help you gain clarity, reduce anxiety, and promote a greater understanding of your true self.
2. Try writing morning pages:
Dedicate three pages of uninterrupted thoughts in a journal every morning. This exercise, often referred to as “morning pages,” allows you to unload any worries, fears, and expressions of gratitude that may be weighing on your mind. Getting these thoughts down on paper can clear your mental clutter, gain insight into your feelings, and enhance your self-awareness. This practice helps you appreciate your journey and personal growth, fostering a positive outlook.
