How to Win Friends and Influence People

It’s undeniable: 1936 holds significant relevance today, offering us countless lessons to embrace

Believe it or not, the wisdom of 1936 is still relevant today, with plenty for us to learn. The enduring relevance of Dale Carnegie’s principles is a testament to their timeless value.

Indeed, does a book written more than 80 years ago hold no relevance today? Our lives have moved on, and we’re far more digitally minded than in those days. Despite technological advancements, the human mind is still stuck in the ’30s in many ways!

Dale Carnegie spoke sense, and he told the truth — “dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face.” True, even today! By understanding the art of communication in a way far beyond simply speaking words, you’ll create opportunities for massive success throughout your life.

“Learning to deal with people in the right way will open up your future potential in life, business, and relationships.”—Dale Carnegie & Associates.

We must remain vigilant as we aim to learn to communicate correctly, connect with people at their most profound inner core, and use all of this in line with digital methods. These days, the stakes are higher than they have ever been before. Digital methods mean that we can easily make a mistake, and it’s communicated across the globe virally within seconds. Businesses, relationships, friendships, and connections can all be broken with just the touch of a ‘send’ button. Listening to the words Dale Carnegie imparted to us, you’ll see that 1936 is still very relevant, even today.

Did you know that “How to Win Friends & Influence People” was ranked 19th among Time Magazine’s top 100 influential books in 2011?

Exercise caution with your words and actions

Social media is a blessing in many ways but a curse in many others. It brings you closer to more people than you could ever have imagined but takes you away from those sitting next to you. It can also be a make or break regarding business and relationships. Take Ryan Babel, the Dutch footballer, as a good example. Feeling rather annoyed after his team, Liverpool, lost to Manchester United, he took to his Twitter account to vent his frustrations, calling out the referee’s ability. The result? He was fined around $16,000.

“We need to be more careful about what we post on social media. A lousy post can come back to bite you in the future.”—Dale Carnegie & Associates.

We must be much more careful about what we say than ever before. We live in sensitive times, after all. The Huffington Post found that many people had been fired from their jobs because of what they posted on their social media accounts.

This ease of letting off steam digitally means that we criticize more than we err on the side of kindness. We can easily show our frustrations or opinions to others at the touch of a button.

Five hundred million tweets are sent daily; how many are well thought out?

Is your language out of control? It’s time to take charge and maintain your composure

Had Ryan Babel remained tightlipped on his Twitter account and blown off steam to his friends instead, he would have kept $16,000 in his bank account. The savings would stay if he had given it 5 minutes to calm down.

We should shift the focus of our social media from aggressive and critical to positive and encouraging. Could you ask yourself why you need to post what you’re thinking of posting? Are you doing it because you have a bone to pick with someone? Is this the best way to solve the problem?

“Before you post on social media, think about your motivation behind that post.”—Dale Carnegie & Associates.

President Lincoln would have done well in the digital age because he was an expert in human communication. He took the time to calm down before speaking, and he knew when to speak and when to remain silent. He carefully weighed up every word he said. President Lincoln knew about humans, and he knew how to get the best out of people via the words he said. ~ Dale Carnegie & Associates

“The people you badmouth could be people you need to work with in the future; think very carefully before you speak.”— Dale Carnegie & Associates.

Remember, if you only criticize and vent on your social media accounts, you’ll quickly lose followers in the personal and business worlds.

Make the ultimate impression by showing you care

Kindness always wins, and the best way to make friends and influence others is to show empathy at the heart of what you do. Dale Carnegie’s example of the shepherd tasked with guarding 100 sheep illustrates this beautifully. In human terms, this shows those around you and those you’re working with that you care about; nobody is left behind.

“Kindness costs nothing, and it is the best way to show people you care. When you do that, they reward you with loyalty.”—Dale Carnegie & Associates.

Showing people that they are valuable to you enhances relationships beyond measure. We often find it hard to affirm the positives in others, usually finding it easier to highlight the negatives. Still, you show people you notice their good points by doing this. There is a genuine difference between doing this and flattering without reason. At the heart of it is a genuine concern for other people.

“Look for the positive points in other people, rather than focusing on the negatives.”—Dale Carnegie & Associates

The digital age has made us obsessed with celebrities and material things. Still, it is vital to return to the basics and keep things on a human level.

“Become meaningful in your interactions, and the path to success in any endeavor is simpler and far more sustainable.”—Dale Carnegie.

Forge a more profound connection by reversing the dynamic

Connecting with a person’s genuine inner desire is the best way to influence their behavior, especially in business. Apple showed this when they launched a different type of computer than the norm in 2002. Many viewed this as a risk, but Steve Jobs had been listening to our author’s words! He realized that if you want to influence someone to do something, you need to connect with them on a basic level, e.g., their inner desire. Jobs realized that people wanted this creative, new style of computer, so he gave them what they wanted, and sales flooded in.

“Identify what people want on a deeper level to connect.”—Dale Carnegie & Associates.

You need to put yourself in another person’s shoes to do this. You have to think like they do and explore what they want. Also, you need to give them what they want and ensure it benefits you. In the Apple example, everyone won; people got their desired product, and Apple made a fortune.

Of course, everything you do has to come from actual actions and desires. You can create a solid and powerful impression by taking an interest in the likes and dislikes of other people. For instance, we know that dogs are man’s best friend. A dog is interested in you 100%. They will wait by the door for you and never let you down or make you feel bad. In terms of taking an interest in what other people are and like, you need to act like a dog!

“Be genuine in all your interactions; people can see through a fake act.”—Dale Carnegie & Associates.

This is also about genuine friendliness, such as smiling and remembering the names of those you meet. This is basic stuff, but how quickly it gets forgotten is surprising. Smiles are powerful; they increase bonding and trust and create an impression of someone approachable and kind. Unsurprisingly, the most viewed videos on YouTube are about people smiling—it’s contagious. It lets people know that you want to talk to them and that you’re genuine, and as a result, they will want to speak to you.

“A smile, someone once said, costs nothing but gives much. It enriches those who receive without making poorer those who give.”—Dale Carnegie.

Friendliness is also about listening. Would you happen to know how to listen? Not many people do! In business, listening is vital. Carnegie shares an example of someone who had a complaint to make to United Airlines. He was passed from person to person whenever he called them, and in the end, he wrote a song that went viral on YouTube in 2009. United Airlines’ shares plummeted as a result. I’d like to say that listening to those around you, especially your customers, is very important.

“Listening isn’t just about hearing words; it’s about really tuning in to the other person.”— Dale Carnegie & Associates.

Most of us don’t listen; most of us don’t even talk to other people anymore. The American Sociological Review concluded that compared to 20 years ago, people are more socially isolated than ever!

Understand what truly matters to others. Show genuine interest and establish connections more effectively

We must know what matters to them in order to connect with people and use that information wisely. We often talk about what we like, what we’ve done, and how we feel, but we don’t talk about what the other person likes, feels, or wants. Most people don’t listen if it’s not about them. Suppose you’re going to make an impression. In that case, you need to tap into that information and use it to communicate more effectively. In terms of marketing, this is vital.

“Turn your attention to the other person and don’t focus on yourself”—Dale Carnegie & Associates.

So many people don’t have real friends anymore. It could be because we’re all too concerned with the number of followers we have on social media. Still, it’s also about the fact that you must risk vulnerability to have a true friendship.

“Being brave enough to open up can be difficult, but if you want to develop genuine and honest connections, you need to learn to be vulnerable”—Dale Carnegie & Associates.

Nobody likes admitting they’re wrong; most prefer arguing and proving a point rather than saying, “Hey, I’m wrong.” However, to establish any trust, it’s vital to be big enough to admit you’re wrong, as is avoiding arguments in the first place.

“Rather than having to apologize or avoid the issue, learn to avoid arguments from the get-go”—Dale Carnegie & Associates.

Arguments lead to dead ends; they’re a waste of time. All you’re trying to do is prove a point and make them see that you’re right, usually ending in both of you concluding that the other is wrong! It’s far better to approach conflict with an open mind and see it as an opportunity for growth and learning. It’s also a big issue to tell someone they’re wrong—don’t do it!

The great Mahatma Gandhi once said, “Friendship that insists upon agreement on all sides is not worth the name.” We will never agree 100% of the time, but we must compromise and see the other person’s side to move forward and grow. By seeing all sides, you create opportunities for collaboration, and who knows what creative ideas may emerge!

“To leave the road of continual failure, a person must first utter the three most difficult words to say: ‘I was wrong”—Dale Carnegie.

The other side is the ability to admit when you’re wrong and do so quickly. Tiger Woods is a good example. The infamous Thanksgiving car crash cost Woods a lot of time, damage, and heartache. He could have avoided that by quickly and publicly apologizing.

We can broadcast our mistakes on social media, but do we do it? Rarely. Admitting our mistakes makes us stronger and instantly earns the trust of others.

“Having the courage to apologize helps you connect with other people because they will see that you’re genuine”—Dale Carnegie & Associates.

Empower others through a proactive and positive approach

We’ve talked about being friendly, but the results are doubled when you combine that with positivity. We mirror what we experience, so if someone is off-hand with us, we will respond in the same off-hand manner. However, if someone is friendly and cheerful to us, we’re more likely to be the same back. This is an excellent tool for helping to build trust and influence those around you. You must begin with friendliness to win trust, friendship, and connections.

“People prefer to be around positivity, so drop the negativity and learn to look on the bright side!”—Dale Carnegie & Associates.

The digital age has also made it easier to form affinities with others. You now have a starting point that would have been much more difficult to ascertain before the dawn of the digital age. The key is to use this positively and proactively to the best of your ability.

“Connect with like-minded people on Facebook by joining one of the many groups based on different interests”—Dale Carnegie & Associates.

You have already received approval; now, you can use that starting point to build influence and trust. You’ll get further yes’ if you start with a yes! Suppose you want to influence others and enhance relationships and connections; you must realize you cannot have it all your way. You have to acknowledge the role of others in your success and be happy to share the credit or even hand it over completely.

“Relationships work two ways: you need to give to receive and vice versa”—Dale Carnegie & Associates.

Dale Carnegie gives the example of a training student in Australia who once owned an IT retail company with his business partner. The company failed because the student wouldn’t allow his business partner to share the credit, constantly putting him down and refusing his ideas. This selfishness caused the downfall of his business. Thankfully, he learned from his mistakes.

While it’s normal to want to be credited for something you worked hard for, it’s essential to be conscious of the hard work of others, too. You cannot do everything yourself. It isn’t all about you!

“Always remember to give credit where credit is due.”—Dale Carnegie & Associates.

The perfect example to summarize this point is a story about the Sea of Galilee and the Dead Sea. The River Jordan feeds both seas, but while the Sea of Galilee is full of colorful marine life, sparkling and fresh, the Dead Sea is precisely that — dead, nothing in there, empty. Why is this? They say that the Sea of Galilee happily gives all of its water to others (credit), while the Dead Sea refuses. Don’t be like the Dead Sea!

Conclusion

The ability to effectively make friends and influence people comes down to the basics we have forgotten over the years. We’re far too concerned with the material, the fancy things in life, and the latest celebrity gossip. However, the ability to connect with others on an objective, at the human level, is right there in front of us. We have lost the ability to see it.

It’s possible to develop solid and genuine relationships with people simply by being honest and open. This cannot be done on a messaging app or the telephone; it is far better to be present and speak to people face to face. You cannot go wrong by treating others how you want to be treated. You will gain the respect of others simply by being kind and considerate. If we followed this advice, the world would be better and kinder.

It comes down to the simple things in the end. So, be honest, be yourself, admit your mistakes, avoid confrontation, put yourself in the shoes of others, and raise people rather than knocking them down. Become a person that people want to be around. Doing that will give you far more influence than you could ever imagine.

How does this benefit you? Endlessly! From love to friendships, family connections to work situations, knowing how to interact and communicate appropriately with others opens up many opportunities. The good news is that with a little focus and effort, anyone can master these skills.

Embrace This Week-Long Challenge:

For an entire week, embark on a personal challenge to avoid arguments in all their forms. Instead, immerse yourself in the art of collaboration, making a conscious effort to understand differing viewpoints. Approach discussions not as a battle of opinions but as an opportunity to explore and appreciate the perspectives of others.
During this week, commit to fostering a positive online presence. Avoid sharing negative or overly critical comments on social media platforms. Instead, focus on uplifting messages and constructive conversations, contributing to a more encouraging digital environment.

– To enhance your empathy skills, strive to view situations through the lenses of those around you. When you notice someone who appears troubled or upset, please take a moment to observe their body language and listen intently to their words. Reflect on their feelings and imagine your feelings if you were in their shoes. This practice of deepening your emotional awareness will enrich your understanding and allow you to connect with others more meaningfully.